Your Greatest Strength?
When I look at the world we live in and the part we play in it, I’m reminded of what makes us so different from the rest of the animal world.
As human beings we have wonderful strengths. As a species, we are unmatched in our ability to compare, contrast, differentiate and ultimately make meaning of what we see and experience.
These abilities are brilliant for innovating, creating and organising all sorts of things.
Look around you, Art, Literature, Philosophy, Science and Technology immediately come to mind for me. I’m sure you can add much more. There is almost nothing you use that wasn’t created and produced by using at least one of these qualities.
Consequently, we have built rich & diverse societies that have added so much to our way of life.
The Dark Side
Ironically, the very same qualities that have lifted us from the Stone Age to where we are today are the same ones that may in the end destroy us.
This innate tendency for comparing, contrasting, and differentiating can and does lead to division, judgement, jealousy, racism, and war.
Sport is a good example. Those of us that follow our favourite team are very tribal in our support, most of it good natured. Unfortunately, in some circumstances it takes on a fervour that can become violent with the right triggers. I saw this firsthand in Indonesia when I was Head Coach of the Indonesia National Youth Soccer Team on more than one occasion.
On social media, whether it’s Facebook or Twitter, we tend to connect with people we know & like and follow those with similar interests, beliefs, and political convictions.
The consequence of this is that you only tend to get one side of an argument, which can further embed already deeply held beliefs. This is incredibly polarising and divisive. And of course, with confirmation bias, you only see things through the lense of your own beliefs and convictions.
We like people who are like us. Let me give you an example. Years ago, you would put an ad in the personal column of the local paper if you were looking for a date. In it, would be something like “Looking for a lady with a good sense of humour, non-smoker, likes the theatre, long drives in the country….” and so on.
It doesn’t take much to work out that what you were actually looking for is someone exactly like you! We look for what we have in common with others, this helps us feel affinity and helps build rapport.
What About Personal Strengths?
In my work I often deal with Not For Profit organisations and because of the nature of their business they tend to attract people with a strong desire to help others. Being helpful is a brilliant strength, it helps foster an inclusive society and everyone wins when all are willing to receive as well as give.
Unfortunately, when being helpful towards others isn’t balanced by treating yourself the same way, the unintended consequences (or Dark Side) can be severe. I’ve seen people being treated like doormats by abusive partners or clients and being taken advantage of in all sorts of ways. If, in addition, self-acceptance is low, how can such a person gain the approval that they are unable to give themselves? It is giving permission to those who will continue to take advantage of you.
By Helping Others….
It looks like altruism (selflessness) but is in fact a denial of one’s own worth, the payoff often being the gaining of approval from someone else. If you apply this idea to other strengths (or even weaknesses) that you have, you’ll start to notice the games that are being played unbconsciously.
The Solution
From the collective to an individual, it starts with self awareness, a noticing, followed by realisation of the impact that this behaviour or belief has and is causing. Once this recognition kicks in, space opens up for change to happen. Obviously, there is a lot more to this and unfortunately, I can’t do it justice in a short article but you can dig a little deeper by reading this article in Psychology Today. On a personal level, that awareness, that noticing, creates space for decisions (or choices) to be made by you in the moment. Is it worth the effort?
That, my friend, is your call…..